Feeling a Bit "Tweet-ish"

I don't have a Twitter account, but if I did, I might tweet these random thoughts:

- Brussel sprouts, so cute but so foul.

- Mylanta Cherry Chewables are grown-up candy.
 

- Sometimes a Ped Egg is not your friend.

 - Why does our KitchenAid toaster have a “zero” setting?

- “It’s very dairy.” What we say when the winter air smells like cow manure.

- I used to find drive-in car washes exhilarating. Now I find them disorienting. I have to keep my eyes closed to avoid the false sensation that we're moving.

Cannibalistic Sheets

Do you ever think your sheets are alive? And evil?

I hate it when I’m drying sheets and I open the dryer door to find the king size fitted sheet has completely enveloped the flat sheet and pillow cases into a big ball. It looks like a white blood cell has eaten foreign bodies.

It’s irrational, but at that moment I get angry with the fitted sheet. I feel like it swallowed the linens on purpose, as if it were alive. I pull the sheets out, separate them, start the dryer again, and admonish the fitted sheet to behave itself. I know it won’t. It’s the nature of the beast.

You, Too, May Be a Winner

Our town is rural enough to still have a Kmart, though it’s called a Super Kmart for some reason. Last month I signed up for their “Shop Your Way Rewards Program.” I have a card that I show when I make a purchase and I earn 1% back.

Yesterday I made a purchase of Slim Fast Bars (for Larry, now down 36 pounds) and as my purchase was rung, a red light by the register with the word “K’Ching” on it started flashing. What was happening? The expressionless cashier told me in a flat voice, “You’ve won a prize.”

I tried to act nonchalant, but my mind was screaming, “Wow! I won a prize?! What is it? What is it! A TV? A stereo? Cash? I didn’t know I could win a prize!”

I scanned the store, looking for cameras, and confetti falling from the ceiling, expecting everyone in the store to notice. But there was silence. What did I win? I had to wait for the receipt and the prize coupon to print out to get my answer.



“You’ve won a liter bottle of purified American Faire Water,” the cashier told me. “The value is a dollar. Would you like me to get that for you now?” Her expression didn’t change and she made no comment or apology for the “prize.”

Following her lead, I told her I would like that prized bottle of water now. I took it home with the Slim Fast Bars, shaking my head with a sardonic* half smile on my face.

*Sarcastic means "derisive, tauntingly contemptuous," while sardonic means "bitterly scornful, cynically disdainful." Both pretty much fit the way I felt.